hUntEd And cOnfUsEd

Out of boredom and unavailability of internet connection, I was forced to play Chess Titans. Surprisingly, I won by checkmate against the computer. And, out of my happiness, I missed the guy who I usually play with. Yeah, he patiently taught me how to play chess despite my stubbornness and astuteness.
Behind my smile, was the memory of those times playing chess with him even until dawn. With my eagerness to win over him, I was even cunning and tricky but to no avail. He was really smart. His moves were intelligently planned and he was able to foresee my next moves. With his ability in chess, I learned to make my own strategies also. He inspired me to persevere in winning one game. By his attention and patient, it was more than once that I won over him.
While playing, memories we spent together kept on hunting me. I almost imagined that I am battling with him during my second game. Memories of the past kept on rewinding that made me bedazzled and insensible for a while. I remembered his smile, his voice, his promises and his plans for his life and for our future. I heard his sweet and comforting words and felt his sincere and passionate hug. I felt and saw him in his sincerest affection instantaneously. I remembered the happy moments we shared and struggle in life that we both battled with. His face flashed clearly. And, I instantly missed him.
I felt a twinged deep inside my heart that triggered tears in my eyes. How was I able to betray such a very kind and sincere person? What kind of person am I, who has turned down the guy who loved me with all his heart? Then, suddenly the feeling of guilt was changed with confusion and what ifs. What if I choose to stay? For sure, I won’t be crying for there is no reason to cry at all. What if we’re still together? Maybe, we have started realizing our dreams or maybe I’m back to school and he’s still behind supporting me. What if I didn’t hurt him? Maybe I can still fell the cold steel of being behind bars but at least I will be free from doubts and uncertainties with my relationship for I know that I am his only one.
For that very moment, I contemplated. However, I ended up confused. I am happy but full of uncertainties. I am sad for I have hurt someone but I found it as my only escape for it is what life is and it is a reality that I have to bear. I don’t want to hurt but don’t’ want to compromise my happiness. Now, I am still hunted by the mistakes I’ve done and happy moments I had before and confused by the decisions and steps I have made. After I’ve shed tears, I found myself wishing. I wish I could turn back the time and gave myself hundred times to think before I made the great move in my life. But such wish is beyond possible for things can’t be changed. Sadly, I am still confused by the uncertainties and by my indecisions and hunted by the happy memories of the past. At this very point in my life, I demand understanding rather than criticism and revenge.

Bakit Pa Ba?

Incidentally, I first heard this song few days after breaking up with panget, when a very talented friend of mine sang it over the mediacom. The lyrics are so damn like a sharp knife that has stricken my heart. The pain that I've created has bounced back to my heart that I've nothing left to do but to shed precious tears.
Every word of the song reminds me of one painful thing that I've done to someone who has no desire in his life but to make me happy.

Here is the lyrics:

nagpapa-alam ka
dahil nasaktan kita
noo'y di makitang mali ako
ngayo'y alam ko na
sayo'y nagkasala
sana muli ako�y mapatawad pa
araw araw kang lumuluha
sa akin ay nagmamakaawa
noo'y di marinig pagsamo mo

CHORUS
bakit pa ba nagawa
na saktan ko ang isang tulad mo
na labis na nagmamahal
di na pansin na walang
katulad ang alay ng pag-ibig mo
sa akin
ako sana ay muli patawarin

kay tagal akong bulag sa katulad mo
gayong wagas yaring pag-ibig mo
iniwan pa kita laging nag-iisa
bakit ba nagawa ito sa'yo
araw-araw kang lumuluha
sa akin ay nagmamakaawa
noo'y di narinig pagsamo mo.

Click this to hear the song.

Forgiveness is what I plea for and hopefully the four long years of relationship will end into friendship. Despite the pain, I still believe that happy times and memories we both treasure are strong enough to create the foundation of long-lasting friendship.

untitled

So many times I hear about “soul mates”, “meant for each other”, “destined” and many more words and phrases that is claimed about the “fact” or “realities” that defines one’s love. The sweetest assumption could be that someone is destined to another. Some would also back up their theories or belief by biblical verses and other metaphysical explanations. Some also holds on to such belief or “claim.”
Sadly, I hardly find application of such general belief in my life. My situation of being in love with a person who cannot possibly be mine while being in a relationship with a person I do not truly love does not fall in any of the theories or beliefs about love or destiny. I call my relationship with a guy who loves me so much as a prison. Prison, not because his love is strangling me but because I am returning his love out of pity. I cannot afford to leave him because I don’t want to hurt him. I actually attempted to end it one time but it did not materialize because at the back of my mind, I hear him crying. I know it is a mistake to enter into a relationship out of pity but I just could not stand out my guilt when I hear him cry or see him emotionally hurt in my mind.
Now, my prison has been complicated when I unexpectedly fall for the person having moral ascendancy over me. Every day, I tried to resist my feeling but it persistently grows every time I see him. Having glimpse of him is enough to make my day bright. He is, indeed, the person filling in the sadness in my prison. However, when assessed, such love is making my prison even more complicated. Though he makes me smile, he is also making my heart ache. For almost nine months, I have concealed my feelings and pretended as if I do not feel something special about him at all. I have revealed my secret to some of my friends but I just could not receive support from them. Instead, they call me flirt and advice me to be loyal to my boyfriend. I tried to forget the person; however, I could not really help my heart from beating and my mind from thinking of him. I also planned to tell him about my feelings, but so many factors are hindering me from doing it. I really want to shout out my love for him but I just could not. Aside from being born conservative, I also fear being turned down or embarrassed in front of him. For nine month and counting, I am still suffering the pain of being inlove yet hopeless and being in a relationship yet unhappy. Now, I am haunted by questions of to whom am I destined to or who among them could be my soul mate? At the end of my journey, will my love finally liberate me or will my pity forever imprison me?

Love, defined 2nd part..

...as I have said, LOVE is the only word that does not run out of definition..

LOVE is one of the hardest thing to define because at times you thought you were in love- yun pala ay hindi. It could have been simply an infatuation or a physical attraction.
I guess love is an emotion that you cannot force on anyone. It is very personal as one's basis for love varies - depending on one's experience, needs and wants.

For me - love should make you happy. However, it carries with it certain responsibilities such as honesty and fidelity. If you cannot be honest or fidel, then one cannot truly say that he is in love with the person he claims to love.

Love can start also with a simple physical attraction or attraction brought about by common interests --- then it grows and grows everyday as both get to know each other and develop their attraction towards each other - bringing it to a higher level.

They also say that love hurts. True but while love hurts, it also heals.
Ate Beverly Longid

LOVE is the sweetest thing that can happen in a human being. Love can destroy anything but can conquer everything.
Manny Balbin

It is something you never can expect to happen. It can be the thing that you hate, despise and avoid but when it hits the heart at the right moment, it's like you have dementia forgetting all that you have disliked. Love is really WEIRD.
ilovephilippinestoo

LOVE - is when you think about someone in everything you do, whether you're simply walking to school or you're reading a book, basta ganun. Ewan ko. Di ko lang talaga alam. I think it's something that makes you happy, like smile ka ng smile bago ka matulog. Hehehehe. Basta kung nagiging selfless ka na para sa mga taong mahal mo, yun ang love. Pero ewan ko. Hehehe.
Earvin

LOVE has a reason of its own, reasons that it only knows... love has no definite meaning, it depends on the person who felt love.
Jen Jen

For me love is the most essential thing in life because true love means doing what is good not only for yourself but for others as well..i believe it's the root of all the good things around.
so live...love and be loved!!!
Lhezlhey

Love takes time it needs a lot of effort and sacrifices in order to gain and nourish the true meaning of love,it doesnt come right away.We've easily attracted to persons we met along the way but it doesn't mean that there is love already but things may turn on it.
love is really an unexplainable feeling between two lovers but sometimes love may hurt us if we dont make it right.
Maribeth

LOVE is all about putting the one you love over everything else.
Ernest Aton

LOVE, defined

LOVE... is the only word that does not run out of definition...

lately I've asked my family, friends, relatives, Greeks and Romans to share to me their personal definition or thoughts of love...
here are the responses...

LOVE takes all. Dun nagsisimula ang lahat ng kagandahan. love may be blind kasi walang pinipili kapag puso na ang tumibok.
April Carino

LOVE is a feeling deep inside your heart telling you to like a thing truly.

Love is a feeling that draws you to work hard and make things possible.
Mommy

LOVE is a journey. A never ending journey.
Qhoen


Love for me is when you're ready to make sacrifices, you're fully submitting your whole being. And when you see that there is "forever" for you and your other half.
Maya

GOD is LOVE. The world exist because of love. For special someone, I express love with special care, accepting who we or you are. Respect to one another, sacrifice with intimacy and should be a two- way direction...
Sir Rustan

Love is something magical; it makes you see things in a different perspective; seems as if there is sunshine amidst a heavy rain, roses scattered everywhere, and makes you smile even after the most tiring day.
Paula

Love is caring for someone, wanting someone, hoping and feeling for someone. But love is more than that too; some might say it's indescribable. I think love is utter devotion to someone, and being able to walk away if it's the best for the person. Love is wanting nothing more than to see that someone happy.
Paula

To feel tender affection for somebody such as close relative or family, or for something such as place, an ideal, or an animal.
Chadong

Love is a feeling you don't have to hide. Love is forgiving and understanding.
Charles

Love is when you begin to think for yourself alone but for a person who may or may not be related toy ou and that his/ her absence is a big loss to your mental and emotional well- being.
Rodel

LOVE

Love is the only word known by every human being, even those not yet born. It is a word easily said but hardly shown. It is so powerful. It is an affection that is sometimes misinterpreted. It has many faces and justifications. Love is the only perfect thing in this vale of tears and in heaven.

It is a strong vibration that binds two hearts. It is a magical foundation that builds a home. It ignites a circle of friendship. It is a feeling indescribable. It is patient and understanding that justifies all the flaws in a relationship. It is an acid that melts away an incurable grudge. It is a light to a lost soul. It is the very reason of everyone’s existence.

Love is great, unselfish, and powerful that brought humanity’s salvation. Love, whatever its kind, is the most beautiful thing here on earth.