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So many times I hear about “soul mates”, “meant for each other”, “destined” and many more words and phrases that is claimed about the “fact” or “realities” that defines one’s love. The sweetest assumption could be that someone is destined to another. Some would also back up their theories or belief by biblical verses and other metaphysical explanations. Some also holds on to such belief or “claim.”
Sadly, I hardly find application of such general belief in my life. My situation of being in love with a person who cannot possibly be mine while being in a relationship with a person I do not truly love does not fall in any of the theories or beliefs about love or destiny. I call my relationship with a guy who loves me so much as a prison. Prison, not because his love is strangling me but because I am returning his love out of pity. I cannot afford to leave him because I don’t want to hurt him. I actually attempted to end it one time but it did not materialize because at the back of my mind, I hear him crying. I know it is a mistake to enter into a relationship out of pity but I just could not stand out my guilt when I hear him cry or see him emotionally hurt in my mind.
Now, my prison has been complicated when I unexpectedly fall for the person having moral ascendancy over me. Every day, I tried to resist my feeling but it persistently grows every time I see him. Having glimpse of him is enough to make my day bright. He is, indeed, the person filling in the sadness in my prison. However, when assessed, such love is making my prison even more complicated. Though he makes me smile, he is also making my heart ache. For almost nine months, I have concealed my feelings and pretended as if I do not feel something special about him at all. I have revealed my secret to some of my friends but I just could not receive support from them. Instead, they call me flirt and advice me to be loyal to my boyfriend. I tried to forget the person; however, I could not really help my heart from beating and my mind from thinking of him. I also planned to tell him about my feelings, but so many factors are hindering me from doing it. I really want to shout out my love for him but I just could not. Aside from being born conservative, I also fear being turned down or embarrassed in front of him. For nine month and counting, I am still suffering the pain of being inlove yet hopeless and being in a relationship yet unhappy. Now, I am haunted by questions of to whom am I destined to or who among them could be my soul mate? At the end of my journey, will my love finally liberate me or will my pity forever imprison me?