hUntEd And cOnfUsEd

Out of boredom and unavailability of internet connection, I was forced to play Chess Titans. Surprisingly, I won by checkmate against the computer. And, out of my happiness, I missed the guy who I usually play with. Yeah, he patiently taught me how to play chess despite my stubbornness and astuteness.
Behind my smile, was the memory of those times playing chess with him even until dawn. With my eagerness to win over him, I was even cunning and tricky but to no avail. He was really smart. His moves were intelligently planned and he was able to foresee my next moves. With his ability in chess, I learned to make my own strategies also. He inspired me to persevere in winning one game. By his attention and patient, it was more than once that I won over him.
While playing, memories we spent together kept on hunting me. I almost imagined that I am battling with him during my second game. Memories of the past kept on rewinding that made me bedazzled and insensible for a while. I remembered his smile, his voice, his promises and his plans for his life and for our future. I heard his sweet and comforting words and felt his sincere and passionate hug. I felt and saw him in his sincerest affection instantaneously. I remembered the happy moments we shared and struggle in life that we both battled with. His face flashed clearly. And, I instantly missed him.
I felt a twinged deep inside my heart that triggered tears in my eyes. How was I able to betray such a very kind and sincere person? What kind of person am I, who has turned down the guy who loved me with all his heart? Then, suddenly the feeling of guilt was changed with confusion and what ifs. What if I choose to stay? For sure, I won’t be crying for there is no reason to cry at all. What if we’re still together? Maybe, we have started realizing our dreams or maybe I’m back to school and he’s still behind supporting me. What if I didn’t hurt him? Maybe I can still fell the cold steel of being behind bars but at least I will be free from doubts and uncertainties with my relationship for I know that I am his only one.
For that very moment, I contemplated. However, I ended up confused. I am happy but full of uncertainties. I am sad for I have hurt someone but I found it as my only escape for it is what life is and it is a reality that I have to bear. I don’t want to hurt but don’t’ want to compromise my happiness. Now, I am still hunted by the mistakes I’ve done and happy moments I had before and confused by the decisions and steps I have made. After I’ve shed tears, I found myself wishing. I wish I could turn back the time and gave myself hundred times to think before I made the great move in my life. But such wish is beyond possible for things can’t be changed. Sadly, I am still confused by the uncertainties and by my indecisions and hunted by the happy memories of the past. At this very point in my life, I demand understanding rather than criticism and revenge.


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